


because my love, just wasn't there

by jackdawsSpace



Series: love is so loud. [1]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Doubt, F/F, F/F/F, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Isolation, Other, Paranoia, Rating May Change, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Thasmissy?, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:41:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22106476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jackdawsSpace/pseuds/jackdawsSpace
Summary: i'm sorry. not really butsorry.
Relationships: The Doctor/Yasmin Khan, Thirteenth Doctor/Missy, Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan/Missy, Yasmin Khan/Missy
Series: love is so loud. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1591219
Comments: 14
Kudos: 31





	1. loneliness doesn't help the pain, darling.

Staring.  
The ceiling was covered in little plastic stars. So childish.  
But then again, this lovely incarnation of the Doctor was just that, Missy thought, running her hands through Yaz's hair. The Doctor was curled up against her side, fast asleep- despite the annoying fact she was always indignantly stating she didn't need as much sleep as her companions. And Yaz was enveloped in Missy's arms, on the opposite side. As the sleeping blonde shuffled beside her, unwanted thoughts ran through her head.  
Was she really good enough? Why, of all people, had the beautiful alien and human duo, chose to love her? A murderous..arrogant psychopath..  
She didn't deserve it.

Getting up from the arms of the sleeping women cautiously, she just needed to think about some things. Putting her hand against the TARDIS wall she whispered to the immense consciousness, "Find me.. somewhere...um, with plants, dear?" Hesitantly. Listening to the affirming sounds of the ship, she walked slowly down the halls to her destination. At arriving, Missy found a quiet place in the corner to sit. 

~I'm not worth it.~  
~I don't deserve their love.~  
~They don't really love me.~  
~I am unlovable.~

She felt a weight in the pocket of her jumper. She told herself she wouldn't do this. Not again. It's not important.  
Is it?  
Sliding the small handled knife from the pocket, she tossed it from hand to hand for a moment, before resolving. She pulled her sleeve up her arm and made a small mark, stifling her sob with her hand. It was painful. But that was fine.

♢♢♢♢♢♢♢♢♢♢♢♢♢♢♢♢♢

Crawling back into her place, sandwiched between the women, she didn't notice a certain woman's eyes were slightly open.  
"Where did you go?" Yaz asked her drowsily. "I woke up because.." she trails off, embarrassed, "I was worried you might have, uh, run off or something..." her eyes were closed again by now, but she was holding Missy tightly. Surprisingly, the Doctor had not roused at Missy clambering across her, especially for someone who 'didn't need sleep'. Settling down, Yaz fell back to her dreams.

But Missy didn't get a wink.


	2. Run kid, while you're happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here we go again. short chapter, but I'm putting up another one tomorrow.

_No matter what she did, she couldn't stop seeing that face.Twisted in agony. She was just a child. Should've lived._

_She should have been saved._

Jolting upward, suddenly, stricken with intense emotion, Yaz whipped her head around frantically. She was sad, angry- yes, but what got her truly, deeply unable to find peace- the fear. Every second, she was burdened with her own fear, the...The child's fear..

Every moment spent, anticipating the moment the next innocent person dies. 

She couldn't take it, yet she couldn't tell anyone. Surely, the doctor and missy especially, would not understand, or even care about her stupid human worries.

So she would keep it a secret.


	3. how easy it is to say nothing at all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wrote a paragraph on the 25th but accidentally deleted it and gave up.

“What’s the word for that infestation over there?”

“Uh, Missy? Those are, Uh children??”

Yaz replied to the time lady’s question- in her defence, the woman did look genuinely confused- The humans train of thought was interrupted by the third member of the group.  
“I’m tired,” the Doctor stated plainly before adding timidly, “Cuddle, you two?”  
The duo couldn’t refuse the adorable woman, giving in immediately and stumbling the small distance to bed before crumpling into its surface together, fitting perfectly together, like the broken pieces of each of their hearts. None would admit that they found all the comfort they wanted in each other.

They were all hurting. So much.

But to protect each other (or to preserve the time they had with one another) it was best to keep it together inside for now, right?

After all of them reluctantly got changed into better sleeping clothes, curled up once more, they fell into the yonder land. Though they were so close, hugging tight- to ensure that they could make the most of this moment- they all had their bad dreams. Bloody arms, bloody pasts and bloody hearts. Together now, maybe, but when would it all fall apart?


	4. coughing up blood (but my pain isn’t good enough?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> have some fuckin angst

Come here dear,” she said. Her Victorian styled dress- cut short at the thigh to the knee- torn and red stained as it was, showed off the bruised and bloodied legs of its wearer as she beckoned the younger women; her former self, the self that was still ruined in her mind- the hatred, the grief- for what? There was nothing to provoke it. Maybe that child’s mind was just a sickening trick, a joke from the gods that we just didn’t understand. Calling this hate filled self to embrace her, to comfort. After all, young one wouldn’t remember this when it was over. Smiling into the each others shoulders, they held for a moment, before the taller of the two, the older self spoke,“One day, someone will change you for the better, darling.” As she pulled away, she realised her mistake. She laughed ruggedly, blood seeping from the wound, as well as her mouth- Of course. She couldn’t have expected anything less from her youngest incarnation.

“I will never be good or content. I will never be boring. I will never be like you.” It spoke. She? It? He? They?

The reply came, choked through a bloody grin, falling to the ground with the pain as the poison ran through her.

“That. I must, I must say, darling, was- that was very. Well, played.”

She remembered that day. Maybe her younger self was justified. Loving people who wouldn’t love you back.

Its not worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i basically rewrote that scene  
> sue me

**Author's Note:**

> Okay yall gotta push me to keep updating my fics. I will try and do a regular updating schedule. But yeah, hopefully this will be completed soon! C:


End file.
